Doubt

The past few days have been horrific.  I announced the release of my book to friends and family which got me jazzed, sharing in the excitement and wonderment of all that I’ve been working on since our move and my departure from my tech job.  Then they started to buy it and worse, read it.  There’s intimate details of my life in my book.  That’s what memoirs are for, right?  I suddenly felt exposed and frightened.  I considered pulling it from the shelf, giving up, starting back on looking for a regular job – whatever that means.  And while all of this was pounding me down, making my world a dark place, I kept putting it out there.  I updated LinkedIn to say that I’ve been a writer for the past year and am now a self published author.  The doubt patronizing me, telling me that I’m not really a writer.  I’m nothing.  I’m just a person that wrote a book that a handful of people will read.  I tried to shut it up by entering more contests.  That’s what I’ve been doing in order to get some exposure.  If I can get published in a magazine or some other lit, it would open my book up to other audiences besides my friends and family.  All I could think of to write about was the darkness, the hurt, the hopelessness that I carry around like a suitcase strapped to my back.  I’m no writer.  Maybe I’m a thinker.  I don’t know what I am.  And so I got the book pushed to iBooks.  Then I worked on my business cards.  I hope they turn out well.  I researched bookstores to drop some off at when they come in.  They shipped today.  I hope people will use them as a bookmark.  I made them glossy just for that purpose.  Maybe I’ll ride my bike to some coffee shops to leave them.

A bike ride sounded good.  I changed, putting on my new bike shirt that I got when we went to Napa.  It was hotter than I expected.  I had some chicken for lunch which I thought would give me some fuel to burn.  5 miles into my ride, I thought I was going to throw up.  I wanted to keep going.  I needed to clear my head although there’s been no clearing it.  I just wanted to be out and about for a minute.  I was hot.  Too hot.  I kept swigging on my water but could only think of that chicken and that I was about to see it in a whole new light.  I returned home and put away my bike without losing my lunch.  I thought I was going to pass out before I made it into the house though.  I opened the door, closed it behind me and laid down on the floor just inside.  Bette Midler sang to me in my headphones as I laid there.  I started to feel human again so I got up and showered.  I didn’t feel like cooking dinner.  I grabbed the computer and looked through my files.  I saw Part II – Master.  I opened it and started reading.  I laughed and started typing when I got to the end.  I got to page 7 of the next book in the series of my life.  I stopped so I could start on dinner.

A body in motion tends to stay in motion while a body at rest tends to stay at rest.  I never really understood that saying until I didn’t have a job.  I get it now.  I feel better today.  More active.  I want to go ride but it’s wicked hot again today.  I snipped at my tomato plant for a bit and watered my herbs.  It’s supposed to cool off some soon.  I’ll go then.

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“A Series of Events” is available on Amazon in trade paperback and Kindle – http://amzn.to/YnToPS and in the iBooks store – http://bit.ly/1wttPYE

You can follow me on Twitter – @MichelleRStoner

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