Have you ever just wanted to send someone in your place for the day? It could be to the office or just as a fill-in for whatever you do every day. In our case, it’s just the two of us so the only logical substitute is the dog. We paint the picture by discussing him trotting into the office, going down the hallways, with little glasses on that we feel he needs in order to make him look more professional. He could hop up into our chair at our desk, putting his little paws on the keyboard and looking at the computer screen like he’s perfectly comfortable and confident in what he’s to do.
For me, I’d have him write blog posts about getting to fetch fluffy toys, how to properly discover and roll in stinky things in the yard, best practices for reminding your owner of when it’s dinner time. He could research Twitter members to help promote my book. He knows if he helps his mamas, he gets more cookies. He’d look up Lassie and Bub to follow, like minded pets and people that he can relate to. He’d take a break every so often to get a drink of water and ask to be put out for some fresh air.
For my partner, he’d drive to work, honking the horn and barking at everyone that cut him off or for the horribly long traffic lights. He’d sit in meetings, play on his smartphone, interject every so often with a sigh and a growl before retreating back to his open office, adjustable desk. He’d shake all over flinging dust and hair onto the neighboring desk but since it’s just a guy, he barely notices. Before heading to lunch, he lets out a big yawn causing half of the office to pass out. It’s all a part of his plan to get in front of them before the caf gets too full. He grabs a slice of pizza, eats it right on the floor and retreats back to his desk where he curls up and sleeps for a few hours.
Upon waking, he heads outside again before heading to the next meeting where he tries to draw his plans on a white board but can’t reach so he just scribbles on the wall below it. He drops the marker on the floor confident he’s made his point, knowing that he’s a genius and under-appreciated everywhere he goes. And with that, he hops back in the car, drives home with the windows down so the wind can blow the hair from his face. He arrives home exhausted, pleads with his mamas not to make him do that again, has some dinner and retreats to his fluffy bed where he can curl up with his plush toys and sleep through the evening.
My partner and I discuss if anyone would actually even notice the substitute. Would he end up biting the people we didn’t like in the office or growl at them? Would he get distracted and end up peeing on the floor or try to mark every desk and pee on each one? Or worse, get frightened and poop right in the middle of the hallway. We think it might be too much for him but want him to succeed. Just then, he lifts his head to peek at us from behind his bangs. We’re stare at one another for a moment as if he knows we’re talking about him. He flops his head back down on his bed, down for the count. We face the realization that there is no backup.